Sunday, February 1, 2009

I Just Don't Know What to Do With Myself

I'm not the best when it comes to stamina. Some aspects of life are much easier to endure for the long-term than others..

Friendships, for example, come naturally to me because I thoroughly enjoy surrounding myself with good people. Being close to family is similar. So that kind of commitment is easy enough. Romantic relationships, although they are much more difficult to keep up with (because that type of need is still something I'm trying to work on), are also not THAT big of a commitment problem once I'm already in it. But the point is, for the most part, committing to other people seems to be much easier than committing to myself.

When it comes to other things... things that only require me to answer to myself... that's the hard part. Because who's gonna' be mad at me when I slip up? Nobody but myself, which maybe counter-intuitively, makes it less important than everything else.

But, there are things about me that annoy me, even if nobody else would care... Some examples?

The way I start reading some books and give up halfway through. I don't always do that. In fact, I get really really obsessed with some books. BUT, I'm talking about the ones that I always mean to read... but end up letting them collect dust on my shelf. Then years will go by... and I just end up re-reading Harry Potter five or six more times instead of ever trying to finish. At this point, I'll probably end up re-reading the entire Twilight series again before I ever finish the last 50 pages of Atlas Shrugged.

Then, there's the way I let random things just pile up in my drawers.. because that's much easier than continually sorting through what can be thrown away.

There's also my severe procrastination in doing things to enhance my resume. I guess my work experience is good enough to get me a good-enough job. But I should be more proactive with my future. I think I'm using school as an excuse to be lazy, so I can press pause on the real world once again. There's a reason it took me 8 years to get my b.a., and it's not just because I'm a single mom.

Basically, my main problem is about NOT finishing things I've started.
I started taking jazz piano lessons once... and never followed through again.
I can't keep a job for more than a year on average without getting severely bored. Becky likes to call it serial-jobbing.
I take up hobbies that I NEVER become an expert at... i.e., photography, culinary arts, web zines, knitting & crocheting, painting, song-writing, sewing, scrap-booking, etc. (Jack of all trades but a master of none)
I joined a gym... but could never bring myself to go regularly except for short periods of 2 or 3 months at most when I'm feeling fat. Not so much unhealthy, but fat.
I decide to move to London for a year... but will probably end up coming back 3 months early because loneliness is my most debilitating disease.

I desire a lot... but usually don't endure enough to get what I want completely. So I find myself in an interesting predicament. I'm here to get my master's degree - and I know I'll get it (because I'm not doing it solely for myself). But since I'm basically resolving to be a better person, I want to learn how to endure... not just for other people, but for myself.

Which brings me to one little thing that I've committed myself to doing. I copied Liana by joining National Blog Posting Month- otherwise known as NaBloPoMo (which she did for November of 2008), except I'm doing it for the month of February. I have to post a blog entry every day for the entire month. Coincidentally, the theme for February 2009 is "want."

Sounds simple enough... this will be my personal goal for starting a life of endurance. One small step towards better habits... I already know it'll be a bit of a challenge (since I'll be away from my computer for the entirety of Valentine's Day weekend), but I'll figure out how to deal with that when I get to it.

And so it begins...


Kimberly said...
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Kimberly said...

Sometimes it weirds me out how similar we are...

I heart you